Welcome to my little world! Please have a seat. There are cookies and juice on the table to the right. Bathroom is down the hall and the second door to your left. If you need anything, just ask me. If you like it here, you can bookmark this site. We'll never run out of cookies, don't worry. And if you don't like sweets, I'll give you an apple. :) By The Way, I'm Tara.


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-Silence in the concert hall
I'm coming back to life. I doubt anyone is going to be reading this except my friends. But I'm back.

It's my senior year in high school. I went through all of my pages in the "Musician" section and man. I have changed a -lot-. I'm really really excited about my life and I'm really excited about bringing Allegro Vivo back. I have forgotten a lot of code so I'm going to be going through my website and reviewing and stuff so no new pages or layouts for a while.

I really don't know what to say for now. I'm leaving to go hang out with my best friend in an hour and a half and there's just no time to say everything on my mind.

Um.

Hm.

Okay so an update on my life. I'm still in marching band. I have an incredible passion for life and people. I want to go to the University of Illinois at Chicago and study psychology. After getting my bachelor's degree, I plan on getting my PsyD instead of a PhD. because I intend on practicing, not researching.

I really don't want to sound like one of those kids with big dreams. One of those kids who doesn't go through with her plans. This isn't something I decided randomly. I've been obsessively thinking about human nature for years and I think anyone who's known me and watched me grow up can understand how perfect psychology is for a person like me.

I finished Rhapsody in Blue on the piano in June and performed all 15 minutes of it twice, once in a festival in Pennsylvania and once in a neighboring city in my own solo concert. It was amazing.

I'm going to go rewrite my bio section. Welcome back.

-Tara composed this piece on 17:29


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-Silence in the concert hall
I'm back :)

-Tara composed this piece on 17:26


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-Silence in the concert hall
So I was talking to Christian about human nature and I just thought of something.

I've noticing little things about myself that I'm slowly trying to change. For example, I (just like everybody else) involuntarily make people feel bad to make myself feel better. To feel superior. I've come to the conclusion that everybody secretly does this, whether they notice it or not. So every time I'm arguing with someone or talking or anything and I want to say something to bring them down so I feel better about the situation, I stop and try to find another way to get myself out

So it's things like this that I'm trying to change about myself. I don't like living with my flaws and imperfections because they sometimes hurt other people. I understand everybody has flaws and nobody's perfect. But I strive to be the perfect person. I want to get as close as I can to it. They always did say the sky is the limit. So I'm reaching for the sky. What's wrong with that?

I want to at least be a better person on the outside.


So I'm still annoyed at myself about some parts of my personality. But I just had an epiphany.

Maybe,
Just maybe,
I'm a good person because I strive to be good and that I've opened up my eyes to the fact that I hurt others and that I'm trying to change that.

-Tara composed this piece on 21:35


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-Silence in the concert hall
Recap.

Piano is my lifeline. It's my passion. I'm not a classical pianist. Sort of an all-over-the-place pianist. Whatever. I piano because it's fun. People tell me I'm really good often. I politely say thank you but deny the crap out of it in my head. I recently applied to take classes at the San Francisco conservatory of music. My audition was two sundays ago and last Thursday I heard that I didn't make it.

I thought my audition went well but I don't think I was anywhere near as good as the other applicants. And they asked me what classical pieces I've studied and I kind of stared at her for a minute. I couldn't remember anything but I did manage to sputter out something about Rachmaninoff and CPE Bach. I think that's when they realized I wasn't the conservatory type.

I kind of really feel down and unmotivated now. No offense to anybody else, but I really believe that these conservatory ladies' opinions are what really matters because they know what they're talking about when it comes to piano. I feel like my peers and family members just look at my fingers and think "Wow! Look at her go!" but they forget to listen. And it doesn't sound good.

Anyway

I feel no motivation to continue Rhapsody In Blue (Recap again, I'm attempting to learn the 36 page piano solo this year. I'm on page 9) I haven't REALLY played the piano in a week. Since my dad's been away this week, I've been at my moms house that doesn't have a piano. After school sometimes I drive towards the direction of my dads house with the intention to play the piano but I end up turning right and going to my moms. Today I went and sat in my car in front of my dad's house and couldn't manage to get out of the car.

Maybe I haven't played in a week because I've been at my moms house and school has been wearing me out.

I want to cry.

-Tara composed this piece on 21:14


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-Silence in the concert hall
I really need to make some changes in my life. I aspire to be someone really beautiful, someone with knowledge of the arts, history, etc. But I can barely keep my mind on one track. I think so quickly and about so many things that everything is a blur. And it's probably A.D.D. I've been prescribed medicine but I stopped taking it after a while.

I don't like taking medicine. I don't like worrying about money to pay for it, I don't like having to take it, I don't like the thought of not being able to function naturally without medicine.

I have a lot of pride. I'm slowly trying to rid myself of my excess pride. One example, my entire sophmore year, I spent away from my mom, at my dads house at the beginning of their divorce. I was practically on my own because I had my own little apartment in my dad's house, my own living room, bathroom, bedroom. And he was living a bachelors life. I got my license and access to my dad's money so I could go out and buy milk when I needed it. I was practically on my own. I liked the independence.

But a couple of months ago, I started to miss my mom. I started to hate having to think about what I'm going to eat every night. I missed being slightly dependent. I missed being a child. And I couldn't admit it to anybody because I had so badly wanted to be on my own and emancipated at the beginning of my sophmore year.

I couldn't admit to anybody that I couldn't do it alone.

Finally I decided my pride is going to kill me. So I did it. I told my therapist, I told my mom, I told my dad, I told my best friend.

Now my dad is on a business trip for three weeks and I'm staying with my mom. This June, I'm going to move back to this blasted house that I hate because it holds so many old memories.

But now I'm going to have a home cooked meal every night and a mother to do my laundry.


(I've decided I'm going to come back to AV full on. I think writing my thoughts down and letting people analyze them would be cool to look back on when I'm an adult. It'd be interesting to look at my inner most thoughts and maybe it will help me understand what's going through my daughter's head when she's 16.)

-Tara composed this piece on 21:33

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