So I think that I may just not really be into blogging about my personal life. I’m not sure exactly if that’s what it is or not. I can tell you that if I had a larger audience, I would definitely be more motivated to blog (I know that it’s my fault for not having a larger audience; I could be more active on my blog and on other people’s blogs). For now, I don’t want to commit to a personal blog.

But I don’t want to give up my identity as “Allegro Vivo”. I don’t want to do the same thing I did before, where I just paid for the space and the domain name for years until I decided to come back to the blogging world. I want AV to stay active.

Since I’ve been working on developing my web design skills and my scripting skills (PHP and Javascript), I thought, “Hey, why don’t I turn into AV into a blog about web-developing- and web-designing- related things??” It could chronicle my journey from being a girl who just knows HTML and CSS to a full-time freelancer (which is my ultimate goal within the next year or two).

I will post entries about things that I’m learning, be it the result of a Photoshop tutorial I did or some new thing in PHP I learned. I hope to eventually expand the website and have actual content. I would like to eventually like to write WordPress plugins and design and code WordPress themes. I could offer both of these on my website until I feel confident enough to go to a website like Theme Forest to distribute them or whatever other website.

Today was my last day at my job. All the energy I put into that job will now be put into learning PHP, HTML, and CSS. I want to design a simple layout for the new Allegro Vivo to kick start my newly-focused blog. Maybe I’ll do that this week.

I’ve been exercising regularly (cardio and strength training) every week and eating healthier (more fruits and vegetables, cut out junk food, etc). I even cut ice cream out of my diet for the entire month of November. For me, that was a big change, because I ate ice cream about 3 times a week (I work at an ice cream shop).

I didn’t notice any really big changes in my appearance so I took my measurements and took pictures of myself a week ago. I compared the pictures to the pictures I took 3 months ago and nothing. had. changed. I felt this huge wave of disappointment that lasted the rest of the day and into the next week. I was doing so well with controlling my cravings and not over eating and exercising regularly and I had nothing to show for it. I felt defeated.

Then Christian pointed out I might have experienced other changes in myself. I thought about it and realized that in the last 3 months, I took significantly less naps than I have in the last several years. I’m not sure if I’ve felt energized since exercising recently, but at least I’m not sleepy all the time! Also, I think it’s kind of helped my depression too. I think my therapy and medication has also helped a lot, but my exercising helped no doubt. Furthermore, my cholesterol level is lower (yeah, I’m 20 and I have high cholesterol).

So after thinking about all those things, I felt a lot better. My lifestyle change wasn’t really a waste. Things have changed. Just not my appearance, which I’m still disappointed about, but as my friend Rachel pointed out, I’m pretty close to my goal weight (so to speak) so weight comes off extremely slowly.

I did cardio today for the first time in an entire week and I feel GREAT. I just took a shower and my body feels somewhat tired and I love the feeling. I feel accomplished too. I didn’t have enough mental energy to do my ab work outs (I absolutely hate exercising, so finding motivation to actually do it takes a lot out of me), but I figure I’ll slowly build up to where I was. Tomorrow: cardio and abs. Saturday: cardio and legs. Let’s do thiiiis!

There are so many things I need to work on! HTML, CSS, PHP and JavaScript to name the languages I need to learn/learn more about. I need to read about design theory (color theory, layout of elements, etc). I need to get better at making, editing and manipulating images in Photoshop. I need to familiarize myself more with WordPress. I need to read up on how to start and maintain a freelance career. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH I NEED TO DO!! Furthermore, I keep getting inspired to do a bunch of random things: make icon sets, make WordPress themes, etc. I’m so excited to do ALL of this that I think I’m overwhelming myself.

What I need to do is take it one step (or a couple of steps) at a time. I’m currently working through a tutorial that takes you through the process of designing a (verrry) simple layout in PS, slicing it, coding it in HTML, then making it all fit on the page properly with CSS (click here if you’re interested). It’s going pretty well but I keep feeling anxious and I just want all of the information in my head so I can move on to the more interesting things. I know that this is all information that I need to learn in order to advance and although it doesn’t seem like it, I am learning a lot from this tutorial.

In addition to doing that tutorial, I’ve also been reading articles here and there about design theory and freelance careers (on Net Tuts and Web Design Tuts. By the way, I freaking LOVE Tuts Plus. I’m actually totally and completely in love with Envato in general).

Anyway, this is what I’ve been up to the past week. Which is really bad because today marks the first day of finals week and I’ve been focusing more on web design instead of my finals!

Most of the reason why I don’t blog is because I don’t have an audience. It’s the same with Twitter. I obsessively check my feed, but hardly ever post anything, but that’s mostly because there’s nobody around who cares enough to read my tweets.

I don’t really know what I want to blog about actually. I just felt like blogging.

I want to write two separate blog entries with two completely different tones. Actually. I just want to write one about how awful I’ve been feeling all day, but I figured I should write a second entry about something positive, like Christian’s visit this past weekend, to balance out the mood on my blog. But that’s not what I want to do.

Actually. You know what? I can combine the two.

We threw a party the first night Christian was here. Everybody, including myself, was drinking except for Christian. He got super sick last time he drank at our apartment so he decided to just hangout this time. We had a really good time while everybody was there.

Then everybody left and Kelsey passed out on her bed so it was just me and Christian in the living room. We start making out when suddenly I start bawling hysterically.

During the next hour or two, Christian and I laid on my mattress (he brought it out from the bedroom) and I cried my eyes out and told him things I hadn’t even told myself sober. I brought up so many issues that I could only feel during the day, issues that I never brought into the forefront of my mind. At one point, I started hyperventilating, something that’s never happened to me before. I started saying scary things to him, like how I’m not on the edge. But I can definitely see it. And it scares me. There is one positive thing that I see in my future that is currently keeping me together. The thought of not having something to look forward to scares me. I’m really not trying to be dramatic. I truly feel this way.

He was so good to me that night. He took such good care of me, physically and emotionally. I really love him for it. But now he’s left and I feel so alone. I’m actually with friends right now and I really don’t want to be here. I figured I could go home, but I don’t want to be there either. I don’t want to go for a walk downtown. I don’t want to be anywhere. That’s what led me to writing this entry.

P.S. I knew drinking wasn’t a good idea for me. I actually didn’t drink at the last party I was at because I figured something bad would happen. I decided to do it at my party and all of this happened. I think I’m going to lay off alcohol for a while.

How does my face actually look? I’m seeing some hair grow back right now, but I see them in sparse patches. SIGNIFICANT hair loss. I don’t really feel that uncomfortable about my face anymore. I don’t think about the hair on my face at all when I’m talking with a person. I naturally feel the need to step back if I feel like they can see too many details on my skin, but I think that’s just because I’m used to being self conscious about my face. I think over time, I’ll get used to my new, beautiful face. I’m so happy I finally did this.

Disclaimer, I’m not entirely sure if these are the final results or if the hair will grow back. I’m feeling pretty damn confident though!

I don’t know why but the past few days have been ridiculously awful. Especially tonight. I just cried and cried and cried on Skype with Christian. We got into a fight too, but it was mostly because I was being irritable. We made up and we’re totally fine now, but I felt so sad.

I feel completely hopeless about the future. I feel like I’m always going to be depressed and that I’m always going to be taking medication and I will never feel pleasure in any activities ever again. I think this is illogical, but at this moment, I whole heartedly believe this. I told my physician this earlier today and promptly burst into uncontrollable tears. Which was a little awkward, but she was so nice and compassionate. She thinks because of my strong insight, I will be able to pull out of this. She’s always been so impressed with how in tune I am with my feelings and emotions.

I hate this feeling though. I went to Target with a couple of friends and we got back around 6. I was supposed to take my new medication at 8 then go to bed soon afterwards, so I started thinking of what to do between 6 and 8. I seriously could not come up with anything. I did not want to watch TV. I didn’t want to play piano. I did not want to talk to anybody. I did not want to study. Nothing.

I ended up mindlessly surfing social networking websites until I came across a series of Zumba videos on YouTube. They looked like so much fun and since my roommate was out, I decided to get into my work out clothes and start dancing! I found a Bad Romance one, a Party Rock Anthem one, a Fire Burning one and so many more. I felt so goofy when I first started. I was falling over laughing and giggling at myself. Genuine laughing. It was the first time I had genuinely laughed in weeks. It felt so good.

Now I’ve showered and I’m writing this post. I want to go to bed but I want to download songs to add to my workout playlist (any suggestions?). I feel pretty down right now. I hope things look up tomorrow.

I was really afraid I would regret it. But no siree bob. I don’t. I’ve been using it in so many different ways. I use it at the gym as entertainment, I can more easily organize my life (yes, my iPhone can do all of those things but the small screen was driving me nuts), and most importantly, I use it for school. I have all of my handouts, my professors slides, my syllabi and homework on it. And I don’t have to drag my laptop around. It’s not that it’s that much of a pain, but it is heavy. With my iPad, I just stick it in my purse and I’m ready to go. I love this thing!

One of the things I do when I’m depressed is think about the past and all the fun I had. I start mourning the loss of all the fun times I had as a child/teen and I feel incredibly sad that I’ll never have those moments again. I loved going on road trips as a child with my family and listening to the same 3 cds over and over again. I loved going on car rides through the city on hot summer days with my high school friends. I loved making silly videos late at night in my awesome bedroom. I look back on these times and feel a huge sense of loss. I feel sad that I will never have those days back and in a way, I feel like I will never have fun again. I don’t explicitly tell myself this, but I feel it.

I’ve always heard that we can’t and shouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s just hard to do so sometimes. When I feel depressed, I have little control over my thoughts and when I just feel “normal”, those thoughts sit in the back of my mind without me realizing it.

What I realized while I was on the elliptical is that, although I will never have those moments back, I’ve been consistently having fun times since then, times that I will look back on in a couple of years and also mourn like I mourn those childhood road trips. It’s hard to explain. In a way, I realized that history is constantly being written. Of course, I’ve always KNOWN this but for the first time today, I truly understood and believed it.

Just for fun, I want to list a few things I know I will look back on and say, “aww, remember when we did that? That was so much fun” like I do currently with my childhood. Dorm shopping for the first time and preparing for college in general is an experience I will never forget. Dining hall trips with a big group of friends was always fun. Running up and down the dorm halls at all hours of the night doing crazy things was fun. Going home for Christmas and having my family reunited with a new addition (my amazing boyfriend) was always and will always be the highlight of my college years. Crazy shenanigans with my roommate-to-be (at the time) last summer was fun. These are just a few things out of the many experiences I’ve had during the last two years that I can look back on with great, great happiness.

The most significant realization I came to today was that I have amazing life experiences waiting for me in the future. I have NO idea what I’m going to experience. Of course I’ll experience bad things. But there are things waiting for me in the near future that I will look back on in many years and think, “Damn, that was fun. It was so great being 20/21/22/whatever”.

I’m so excited.

Seeing my dad was REALLY nice. I opened up to him about all the emotional issues I’ve been having recently and it turns out that he can really identify with me. I realized that I truly am my father’s daughter. He’s such an intellectual human being. I really loved the advice and words of wisdom he gave me.

I had a night where I had a big depressive episode. My dad was trying to help me through it but it wasn’t the kind of support I needed. We ended up getting really mad at each other and the night ended awfully. But even through our fighting that night, I could tell that he was legitimately concerned and that he really, really cared for me. We talked on the phone the day I left Seattle and he apologized for not giving me the support I needed/wanted. He said that he freaked out because he had never seen me like that and that he was so, so concerned for m. After he told me these things, I had this overwhelmingly huge feeling of love and support coming from him and that really made me feel good. I had an amazing time with my dad that week and I feel like we became a lot closer after that trip.